Today was so long.  I felt myself reaching the very, very end of my rope.  My head hurt, my eyes were tired, my throat was dry, and I kept on leaving my sweater in different classrooms.  

I love knowing the names of students when I see them in the halls or on the sidewalk after school.

Working at home and on the weekend symbolizes to me that this job is real.  I’m resisting it.  

I’m afraid of being tied down to a job with so many unknowns.  I’m afraid of things that I am not immediately good at.  I have to tell myself all day, every day, that it is ok for me to not know everything about teaching.  I will never know everything about teaching.  

Sitting in sixth grade, I want to talk with them about One Direction, Mexican soccer players, the origin of their name.  I don’t yet know how to connect what I do as an artist with what they can do as artists starting out.  

It is humbling to be so tired by 3:30pm.  I’m tired because my brain is being used every second of the day.  My mouth is running constantly.  I’m performing this dance that I don’t fully know.  Sometimes I love it and feel really good at it, but other times my limbs feel heavy and I want to sit down, alone.  

I find myself wanting to be alone, or to be with people who make me feel really at ease, people who know that who I am as a person isn’t solely based on my success as an educator or the work I produce or the amount of money I make or how good I look at the end of the day.

A.K.G.

1. I miss someone, their company and laughter and talking to them.

2. I just learned about soldaderas.  Whoa. Namely, Petra Herrera, a Mexican soldier who fought under Pancho Villa until deciding to branch off and create her own female troop.

3. I prayed with a good friend tonight and am so thankful that happened.

4. It is fall.

5. I finally have my own room and tomorrow I’ll have my real bed back.

6. God is good to me and I need to trust Him more than I do.

A.K.G.

Everything is

wild and ordinary

unsettling and comforting

necessary and superfluous.

I do and don’t know what I’m doing all the time.

I started knitting.

I feel completely ill-equipped but entirely ready to face this. 

I need the wildness to understand and enjoy and see things that I walk over and sleep on and rest in.

How can I keep things ordinary and wild?

a.k.g.

The truth is kind:

that’s what I call this place for images, writing, thinking out loud.

I’ve been thinking about the meaning of this a lot. 

The past few weeks, months, and even years have been tumultuous.  I have made a lot of changes.  I live in a new place.  I have made new friends.  I have said goodbye to grandparents and uncles and cousins.  

My heart has moved a lot more than the rest of my body.  My heart has made me want to do a lot of things.  I don’t always understand why my heart works the way it does.  I cannot understand why the heart makes others do and say things, either.  

I trace my thoughts back, way back, back to the simplest ideas I have about truth.  Compasses and landmarks and glowing monuments.  Glass. Gold. Light. 

I think about what truth makes me feel, what it makes other people feel, what it gives us.  Peace.  Confidence.  Clarity. Closure.  Rest.  

But it brings conflict, doubt, worry, fear, a need to defend.  Frustration.  Division.  Fury.  

I think about truth outside of my own life, defining and experiencing it in a vacuum, away from very real struggles, away from beauty and joy. The truth is the same inside and outside of hypotheticals.  But we don’t know what to do with it.  It is too lofty for me.  I think I know what is right, what will bring peace, change, rest, what will restore things seemingly broken.

I don’t know.  

What I do know is that the truth is kind.  Indulgent, benevolent, gentle, helpful.  These words aren’t enough to fully describe what it is to be face to face with the truth.

I want to know what it is to experience the kindness that is truth, to know what to do with it, to let it do what it needs to do in my heart and the hearts of others, to keep from commandeering it, to let it run or flow or ruin something that I cling to, to have it change the landscape of the present, to show me what is ahead when I cannot see beyond right now, to destroy my pride and the pride of others in order to bring true rest.

A.K.G.

 

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of starting a new job, being visible, risking failure, losing what I think is freedom.  

I’m afraid of missing some big purpose, 

of living only for myself,

of being uninformed,

unhealthy,

unproductive.

A.K.G.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.